Is Your Child Being Bullied?
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As parents, it’s natural for us to feel upset when our children come home from school and tell us they’re feeling excluded or ostracized by their classmates. As sad and frustrating as this can feel, it’s important to remember that it’s also an opportunity to teach your child some important life skills.
After comforting your child, your next step should be to determine whether this is simply a passing conflict or a full-fledged case of bullying that requires your intervention. It will be easier to tell if you remember that bullying is a form of emotional or physical abuse that's
• Deliberate – The bully’s intention is to hurt someone.
• Repeated – A bully often targets the same victim repeatedly.
• Power Imbalanced – Bullies choose victims they see as less powerful than they are.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied, here’s how you can help:
- Make it safe to confide in you. Try not to get too emotional. Your child may get scared if you get angry or start making threats against the bully or their parents. Calmly ask questions until you feel you completely understand the situation. Then, instead of leaping into action, focus on making sure your child feels taken care of and supported. Remind them that everyone has a right to feel safe and happy at school and applaud the courage it took for them to confront the problem by talking to you. Make it clear too that you’re committed to helping them resolve the issue.
- Teach your child to say “Stop!” or go find an adult. Research shows that most bullies stop aggressive behavior within 10 seconds after someone (either a victim or a bystander) tells them to stop in a strong and powerful voice. You can help your child practice an assertive tone of voice, body language and choice of words. Then, if this doesn’t work, teach your child to find an adult right away.
- Notify the school. If a situation at school is causing your child to have trouble with sleeping, eating, learning and other daily activities, then it’s important to speak with the principal about the situation. Hopefully, your child’s school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying and will take prompt action when it’s reported.
- Help your child build and maintain a strong support system. Try reaching out to neighborhood parents as well as to local community centers that offer afterschool activities. The more time your child spends practicing social skills in a safe environment, the less likely they are to become bullying victims, and if your child is bullied, friends can also help to ease the negative effects.
- Don’t go it alone. Problems at school can sometimes be caused or aggravated by problems unrelated to the school environment. Consider making an appointment with your pediatrician to rule out the possibility of an undiagnosed medical problem. If your child is acting out or showing uncharacteristic signs of severe anxiety or depression, it may make sense to consult a counselor skilled in working with children and teenagers.
- Encourage your child to stick with a friend (or find someone who can act as a buddy) at recess and lunch. Kids are more likely to be targeted by bullies when they’re alone. If your child doesn’t have a friend to connect with, you can work with the school to find someone willing to act as a safety partner.
- Cyberbullying is an increasingly pervasive form of bullying that can be especially devastating because it has such a widespread impact and is so difficult to monitor and control. If someone is using text messages or the Internet to say harmful things about your son or daughter, tell them not to respond and to notify you immediately. Make sure your child knows that you take cyberbullying seriously and that you’ll be supportive and proactive in helping them resolve the problem.
- Help your child become more resilient to bullying. As the saying goes, “Prevention is better than cure.” You can help “bully proof” your child by providing a safe and loving home environment where compassionate and respectful behavior is modeled consistently. You can also help them develop strengths, skills and talents that will help foster a sense of self-worth and self-confidence when they interact with peers at school.
- Listen to -- and empathize -- with your child’s concerns. When your child expresses negative emotions, let them know that everyone feels sad, scared or mad sometimes. When kids are in the habit of sharing their feelings, they’re much less likely to keep bullying a secret and more likely to accept your help.
- Follow Up. Even after the bullying situation has been resolved, keep the lines of communication open with your child and the school to make sure it doesn’t recur.
Research shows that bullying can have a major impact on a child’s self-esteem and also increases their risk for substance abuse, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Fortunately, most kids are resilient. Close friends and caring family members can serve as an important buffer and working with kids to improve their academic or athletic strengths can also help fortify their sense of confidence and self-esteem.
If you think your child or teen may be the victim of bullying, please talk to them and reach out to others for help and support. You can play an important role in helping to combat bullying in your child’s school and community.