Helping a Loved One Recover from Trauma
/In an ideal world, we’d all skate through life without ever experiencing a serious car accident, an assault or some other traumatic event. Unfortunately, however, roughly 90 percent of Americans will experience some type of trauma during their lifetimes and close to 8 percent of us – or more than 7.7 million people - will go on to develop Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Even if you haven’t experienced a serious trauma, it’s possible that a spouse, a sibling or another loved one is contending with the aftermath of trauma. If so, you may find the effects on their moods and behavior truly frightening. How do you react when the relatively placid person you knew flies into a sudden rage or becomes paralyzed with fear and anxiety whenever they encounter a sight, sound or situation that reminds them of the traumatic event? What do you say when they descend into depression or begin abusing drugs or alcohol to quiet their shattered nerves? What comfort can you offer when they experience nightmares and flashbacks that render them unable to work or engage in their usual daily activities?
Here are six things you do to help your loved one heal.
- Gently encourage them to seek help. Prompt treatment is important because, in time, traumatic stress can pose a serious threat to a survivor’s physical and psychological health, negatively impact their relationships and leave them feeling bereft of the pleasure that once gave their life meaning. You can help your loved one find a therapist who has been trained and certified to treat trauma survivors at sites such as Psychology Today’s Therapy Finder. Trauma treatment has evolved a great deal over the past 20 years, so look for a therapist trained in such evidence-based techniques as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
- Don’t blame yourself or take the symptoms of their trauma personally. Your loved one may be stuck in one of the fight, flight or freeze responses that are hard-wired into the most primitive parts of our brains and nervous systems. If so, this means their ability to reason, manage their emotions and regulate their bodies has been severely compromised. Be patient. It will take some time before they can recover these capabilities and become more like the person they were before the trauma occurred.
- Listen patiently and compassionately. Some survivors find it difficult or impossible to discuss their traumatic experiences, while others feel compelled to revisit them frequently and in great detail. Either way, listen attentively with compassion and respect, but try to restrain from offering any advice or criticism. If they share details of the traumatic experience that you find shocking or disturbing, do your best to remain calm and centered. This will enable them to build a narrative around their trauma and put their intense feelings into perspective.
- Encourage them not to withdraw from friends and family members. Trauma survivors often feel overcome by feelings of grief, helplessness and despair that lead them to withdraw and isolate themselves from the people who care about them most. However, trauma researchers have found that simply looking into the eyes of a loved one or listening to the voice of a trusted friend can have a powerful and palliative effect on a trauma survivor’s recovery process.
- Do what you can to prevent your loved one from being “re-traumatized.” Try to minimize their exposure to sights, sounds, smells or situations that remind them of the traumatic experience. For example, if your loved one was the victim of an assault, you may want to help shield them from movies or TV shows that include scenes of violence.
- Practice self-care. Therapists, first responders and others who work with trauma victims can develop “secondary trauma,” in which they experience many of the same symptoms as those who are directly affected. To prevent this from happening to you, get plenty of rest and exercise, maintain your social life and keep to your normal routines as much as possible. It’s also important to be realistic about what you’re capable of giving. Know your limits, set boundaries, and seek outside support if you begin to feel overwhelmed.
Most of all, be patient. Healing takes time and there may be setbacks along the way. But, with your help and appropriate treatment, your loved has an excellent chance of recovering and resuming a happy and productive life.
You may also want to take a moment to read this article. It's one of the best descriptions I’ve ever seen about what it’s like to live with PTSD.